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My husband had an affair, but long before he did this he made choices that kept him away from us. Right from the very beginning. He chose other people, other events, other places over his family. So even though our relationship only broke down two months ago I’ve been functioning as a single parent for about eighty percent of the time that Bo has been alive.
My mother was a single parent. When I was eleven my parents marriage ended and my mother became solely responsible for my two younger brothers and I. It sunk her into a deep dark hole. She did the best she could for us, but it nearly destroyed her. I didn’t understand then, but I do now. I didn’t always agree with the choices she made, and I still don’t, but I know that everything she did was out of love for us. I knew then that she wasn’t coping. And I understand that now, more than I ever wanted to.
Except for women who choose to fall pregnant (via sperm donor or the like) and know right from the beginning that they will be a single parent (and for the record I don’t think this makes it any easier really), I don’t think there is a single woman on this earth who faces single parenthood without some reluctance. Doing it alone, for most of us, was never the game plan. Relationships fall apart, people die, people fall out of love, people cheat, people move on, people make choices… good and bad… that affect the course of the lives of everyone around us. We are all intrinsically connected after all.
There is so much to be said about the honest experience of the single parent. There is so much silence surrounding the truth. There are so many things that people are afraid to say. Women so afraid of admitting they aren’t coping. Afraid of the judgment that they face. So many women who are terrified to ask for help. Women who are asking for help and not getting it. Women who are struggling financially, emotionally, spiritually but who aren’t being heard. So many truths that aren’t understood. And therefore, there are so many misrepresentations and the great social prejudice that comes with a great social silence. The attitude that our society has that tends to blame a single mother for her circumstances, I believe, comes from a greater unknowing. An incredible cultural ignorance.
There is a great social prejudice against single mothers. Women who have babies and who leave their husbands. Women who choose to continue a pregnancy even when the paternal father refuses to acknowledge the baby as his responsibility. Women who make great personal sacrifice for the sake of a child. For the well being of a child. The woman who decides to continue a pregnancy even though the man she is with (or was with) chooses to opt out. The attitude of our society that choosing not to terminate a pregnancy somehow equates to her having sole responsibility for the care of that child makes no sense to me. Because of biology (and society) men have the option of cashing out of a relationship, of a family. They can walk away and continue their lives much like before, without great (financial or emotional) responsibility, sleep deprivation or stress. They can go back to friendships and relationships and family… But the woman (and I say woman here, but this is of course not only the case, single dads experience the same if not greater prejudice at times) is left behind. With a great responsibility, (almost always) a decline in living conditions and lifestyle and more often than not no real help.
I don’t think anyone can truly appreciate the incredible emotional responsibility that a woman is left with when she becomes a single parent. It is not only the 24 hour a day 7 days a week responsibility of the care of a child. It is not only the (incredible stress) of sole (in many cases) financial responsibly. It’s not only the incredible pressure of being the only person to make every choice surrounding a child’s care and upbringing and circumstances. It’s not just the fact that it is completely and totally unreasonable that our society expects that ONE person, alone and completely without support can be undeniably patient and giving to a child day in, day out for many, many years. It is insane and it is just not humanly possible. It is all of these things in combination with each other, and so many more.
For me, as a single parent, the biggest challenge with single parenting is time. The lack of time is directly related to my own issues of a loss of identity and self esteem. Issues that I am trying to conquer, trying to overcome, trying to become empowered by, instead of feeling powerless because of. I am a parent for every minute of every day. Even at night when Bo has gone to bed and I have gone to work, sitting at my desk in the spare room, I am still the only parent in the house. I know when she wakes (and she does, often) that it is always me who will go to her. I can’t pop out for a trip to the supermarket alone or catch up with friends without a baby or have a long bath or go for a walk because there is no one else for the day-to-day. It is isolating and it is a very displacing feeling. I’m not sure if anyone who has not lived in it could understand the incredible loneliness that comes from being trapped, in isolation, with a small child the only regular company and a lack of adult conversation. As lovely as my daughter is, and as wonderful a conversationalist she is becoming – we still don’t speak the same language. It’s not enough. That is something that people don’t truly talk about. About the late nights alone. The frustration with a clingy, needy child that you get no break from. Caring for a sick child alone (and then often sick, yourself). There is so much silence, and in that silence I am sure there are other mothers suffering. Truly suffering with little or no input from outside of the relationship she has with her child. But why can’t she speak up? What have we done as a society that has alienated all of us from each other. Where asking for help is seen as a weakness? Where offering help is a last resort?
Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility that is being a sole parent. I look at Bo and I think, how can I possibly do this, all of this, alone? This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be with her father. I wanted the happy family. I wanted to be together. To share the load. To share the joy. I wanted to be able to sit on the couch with my husband at the end of the day and laugh about the beautiful things she did, and cry over the frustrations and have him there to hold my hand and help out and love her like I do. Because as hard as it is to not be able to share the challenges… it’s just as hard not having someone right there to share the joy. The little things, like a kid finally doing a poo after being bunged up for a few days, or eating their whole lunch, or having a proper nap… we want to share these things with someone and let’s be honest, no one else cares about those things as much (or if at all) as the parents.
The other night Bo woke at 10pm and wouldn’t go back to sleep so I got her up and snuggled with her on the couch in front of a movie. She was so beautiful. She sat eating peanut butter on toast. Licking her fingers and talking to me very seriously in her own language, every now pausing and raising her eyebrows at me… as if to say, do you understand mama, are you hearing me? And I would say, yes of course. She would then start giggling and shouting at the people on the TV. And it was such a perfect moment. I looked at her and I could see a glimpse of the little girl she is going to be and I wish her dad had been here to see her. To share in the absolute joy that she is. I wish I had someone to truly share those moments with. The moments of pride.
When I think of the incredibly unreasonable expectations we have on mothers in general, I am shocked. Our society pushes for (unreasonable) perfection. Our society expects that mothers should raise these perfect children whilst being essentially isolated from the world. Instead of offering support, we offer judgmental advice, books with parenting “rules” and guidelines that have the potential of stripping mothers of their instinct. And then we add on top of that a mother without the support of a partner, without the small moments of respite that the partnered mother is given. Without the time to find herself. And we turn around and we judge these mothers. Single mothers. We judge them. I know a young single mother who was called the most disgusting names by her own brother, because she is without a man. Because she chose to continue her pregnancy and raise her beautiful child alone. Because she didn’t have the choice to just “walk away.” Because she chose life. We judge women we see alone, wrangling children. The plight of the single parent has become fodder for television shows and sitcoms and jokes… what we don’t do is offer real, supportive, full assistance. I’m not talking about pensions or money or aid. I’m ashamed (albeit extraordinarily grateful) to have to ask for a handout from the government to survive… and I’m sure most people are. I’d prefer to have the facility to raise my child the way (I believe) she deserves to be raised and work enough to make good money to support us without help. But as one person, that is not possible right now, our society doesn’t support working options for mothers who want to keep their children with them.
I’m talking about swapping judgement for humanity. Hate for love. Do-it-my-way-advice for hands-on help.
Why is it so hard for us as a society to be supportive of our people? Why are we always so quick to judge and so slow to react. When did we become so distant from eachother? When did society stop being about community? When did parenthood become more about rules and less about raising good. strong, caring people, together.
Perhaps a little jumbled, but food for thought nonetheless. Even better for discussion.
Maggie - I dont have the answers but you are so right Sash.
I love how you say it as it is and its all so true. Its ridiculous the pressure that we have on us as Mums. Yes we make a choice to have a child but the lack of help is really unfair.
I really feel for Single Mums and what they are going through, being a Mum is a hard job! (JOB)
I have a partner that is home 50% of the time to help with dinner/bath/sleep routine but on the 10 nights that he is away, I am an absolute mess!! I don’t know how I get through it and I only have 1 child.
Cheers to you Sash, you truly are amazing. And Bo is just the cutest, love her personality and cheekiness 🙂
Bettina - I wish I knew you in ‘real’ life and could give u some support. I’m always an email away if u need. Feel free to air it all here. We get it. And we are listening. I have a husband to share the load with and it’s bloody hard, so I don’t know how you do it. The identity thing and lack of time to just be me, is my biggest issue. Great post Sash.
Sommer - Ditto Sash – and I bet it might be a gamble reaching out to randoms on the wild west of the world wide web – and I hate to sound contrite but it’s really from the heart – I adore you and your blog and if I lived in the same continent as you I’d insist to meet you. Well. Geez I could insist even though we don’t right? Well if you’re ever in DC, USA… 🙂
How much do I adore you? I tell everyone about you, I vote from every computer/smartphone in the house and if we’re at the grandparents, I use their devices as well, I’m not a crier but your posts can get the tear ducts fired up and slogging my face because you speak to ME by speaking what in you. Thank you. And really, if you’re ever in DC…..
Sommer - I was raised by a single mother and reflecting on my childhood and how ornery I was – and now having my own 6mo old – I dont know how she did it. But I wonder if the hate and judgement you’re talking about is the same animal to all hate/judgement: fear-based (in the sense of someone being different from yourself – which methinks might be a lack of self-esteem at the root of that). So… Self esteem. One needs to love ones self to feel secure/accepting in an environment that is different or out of their comfort zone. To know that they’re ok with all their flaws in that environment. That seeing a beautiful woman raising a baby by themselves doesnt mean that it’s a threat to their well established house/husband/3 kids. Or that it means one should feel guilty because they chose to work rather stay at home with the kids. Or that one didn’t choose cloth diapers because they just didn’t feel like it but know its better for baby and the environment. Self esteem. Self love.
How do we give that to others? I own my own business and see it in my employees – a lack of self esteem. I have asked my mom how to help boost them, make them see how wonderful they are and to own it, and she replies (and I’m not sure how I feel about her response yet),”You’re not their mother so you can’t. Besides, that’s not your job. You can only control your own behavior.”
Sommer - One more thing – where is the village?! You know, the one that used to help raise families and half the women were lactating to help feed the babies (which I’m on the fence about that….hmmm)?! I have a husband and honestly, even though we are fortunate to have BOTH set of grandparents a few blocks away willing to help, I’m still struggling. Village, please stand up!
Willow - I grew up in a Hare Krishna community until I was about 9 years old. I really agree with this village mentality. Every afternoon the whole band of us littlies would be deposited at a different mother’s house. We would play our games, have our laughs and fights, and then be collected for bed and dinner. Allowing the other mothers to still do their activities/ responsiibilities. And we loved it. The kids I grew up with are still my brothers and sisters. The one I grew up in has moved away, but I still see Hare Krishna communites like this all around the world and it is the whole community looking out for the kids… there’s not the isolation there’s an embracing of the family and children. I do think it’s really sad how insular Western society has become. It really isolates instead of embracing. We build studios instead of community houses… it’s a bit sad…
charlene - We dont create a new life alone, yet sometimes we feel we are just that. Until we look into the eyes of those we created and at that moment we know we are not alone. And we know we are loved by them despite our mistakes we might have made. So hold your head up through the tough times and learn to have a forgiving heart cause someday we will find that intimate love again and a forgiving heart can love again….xxxx
Lauren - I think the village has been told to back off. They’ve been told ‘I’ve got this’, so they’ve disappeared.
Rebecca - When the village becomes judgmental, overly critical or undermines the parent (especially if in front of the child/ren) it does get told to back off. A village offering support that is respectful of what kind of support the parent is asking for is appreciated and welcomed.
Eva - My mum was a single parent for most of my early life until she remarried when I was a teenager. And I grew up vowing never to be a single parent. It is HARD. Too hard. So hard that I doubt anyone would take it on willingly unless they have sufficient financial and emotional resources to enable them to survive. Single Mothers are an easy target – for the government looking to save money to meet a budget surplus – for social commentators seeking an answer to society’s ills – for people to make moral judgments on the mothers and their ‘lifestyle’ choices. And it sucks. Simple as that. It is unfair and unnecessary in today’s world (especially in democratic, ‘enlightened’ and wealthy countries like Australia). Also, I am sure that single dads also have a very difficult time – I imagine that the struggles related to financial and emotional support would be very similar to those of single mums.
But more often than not there is a sympathy given to single dads that no single mother (apart from a widow) would receive. No moral judgment is made about why a man decided to have a kid without a partner, because they are unable to do so, Instead men are often seen as ‘brave’ for ‘giving it all up for their kids’ because being a primary carer is still traditionally a woman’s job.
It’s something that people can’t really understand or empathise with until they have experienced parenthood for themselves. But parents are often the harshest critics of other parents.
So, more parents (mums and dads, single or otherwise) need to stand up and acknowledge the truth about parenting. Yes, it is probably the single most rewarding thing you will ever do and you will never know that kind of love existed until you have a child. BUT, it is unimaginably difficult at times AND sometimes it is just too much for one person (and even two at times) to cope with. And there is no shame in that.
This is an interesting article about parents seeking (or failing to seek) help: http://coreparentingpdx.com/?p=1748&preview=true pertinent to this post.
For every honest voice that speaks up, there are dozens of other voices that cancel them out because no-one wants to acknowledge the truth that parenting can be difficult. For fear that it means Governments may have to acknowledge the significant financial contribution that unpaid parenting work makes to society (hello, future tax payers). That people will question one’s ability to parent at all if one makes an admission that at times it is hard (apart from the expected sleep and teething issues). That kids might feel unloved if parents are truthful about the times that they find it difficult to cope.
No-one wants to be seen as a bad parent – there is so much competition to be the perfect parent these days – but if we don’t talk honestly about both the good and the bad then there will be no change in how the truth of parenting is perceived.
Thought-provoking post Sash; one I’m sure would not have been easy to write given your marriage breakdown is still so raw. Thanks for your honesty and openness.
Lila Wolff - It is hard and so so unfair. I’ve been there twice once as a young mum and again later on, it’s not easier either way but the judgement was worse when I was younger when I hadn’t built confidence in myself (and the second time I had a secure job so that made a huge difference on one big point of stress).
I was just talking yesterday about the judgement issue as when my oldest takes my youngest out people assume she is a young mother and are awful to her.
I think the attitudes toward women regarding children are just so magnified compared to the low bar set for fathers and it’s not healthy for any of us.
Bec Jones - This made me cry Sash. My Mum was a single parent raising me and my brother and sister. I understand how frustrated and tired my Mum would be and just wanted someone to share the highs and the lows. I would be lost without my husband and you reminded me of how lucky we are (me & Ashton) to have him so involved in our lives, because my Dad was usually no where to be found while he worked long hours which unfortunately resulted in him having an affair and a child which we didn’t find out about until she was 2.
I hope you get through all of this and come through shining, your little girl is so lucky to have you as her Mum.
-Bec X X X
Vickie van der Linden - Many more good people , than you think right now. One Good parent is better than two at logger heads…. HE IS MISSING OUT,,! You are doing well . Even mARRIED couples feel what you feel DO NOT buy into society’s expectations. You are doing a sterling Job Sash! <3 <3………………,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Rosie - Great post Sash! Why does our government not support mothers to stay at home and mind their own children??? I recently tried to apply for some sort of preschool rebate, to find that I don’t qualify because I don’t work or study, they don’t ask whether you have another child at home to mind though? I thought there was a shortage of child care places etc, why not give mothers some type (any) incentive to stay at home and raise their own children?
I don’t know how you do it. My husband is wonderful even though not here 4 nights/mornings per week to get the kids up and put to bed. It is hard, but you do what you have to. I could not imagine what it would be like not to be able to share those special moments with him, telling him what funny things the kids did today or their achievements. I am truly sorry for this loss.
You are doing an amazing job, I too wish you lived close by to have adult conversation with and help each other where possible.
Chin up. Love your blog.
Rosie - I take that chin up back. You feel how you feel, you are able to morn. I wish you had more friends to support you in day-to-day tasks.
Maybe I should have said something like, enjoy watching Bo grow up and not letting other people do it for you! Raising her at home as a single parent is gutsy!! You are braver than you think.
Yvette - Love you Sash *hugs*
Shelly - Sash,
You have opened up my eyes and i thank you for that. My mum was a single mum and when I was younger I missed out on a lot, but reading this I realised my mum missed out on a lot more. I use to pick up my younger sister up from school on the way home from high school and watch her until my mum got home from work. I use to hate it because I missed out on so many after school activities and just being a general teenager, I would give my mum a lot of grief because of this. If only I could of read this years ago and mayb my relationship with my mother wouldn’t be so fractured if I understood what she was going through and the sacrifices and loneliness she suffered.
Being a mum now with a partner I realize how much we both sacrafice, I just can’t imagine how I would cope if I was on my own…I know I would because I have people like you that open my eyes and inspire me.
Xxx
Abeer - How do u do this? U get into my mind n give such perfect words to my thoughts!
Although i m nt a single parent but i m pretty much going thru the same thing Sash.. Husband at work whole day. My biggest issue is time, n the identity loss that comes as a side effect! The feeling of so stuck at only one point in the whole universe where u just GOT to change the diapers, feed n get him to sleep all the time! I mean ofcourse its all very precious, i dont hv to say this to prove anything… But its so overwhelming!!!
I feel so stuck since yesterday n then u posted this… Telepathy much?
🙂
Jess - I like to hope that our generation will be less judgemental…wishful thinking??? I hope not.
I cannot fathom that anyone who has had children would not be in awe & supportive of any single parent raising their child(ren) solo. It is an incredible thing to do and something that definitely needs to be raised up on a pedestal not trashed in the gutter.
Women and men such as yourself should be congratulated and given the world’s biggest hugs. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without a Mum striving to do it all on her own.
feli - I was given your blog address by a mutual friend. 🙂 I have to say, I have never read something so honest and eloquently said in my life. You have certainly made me think about what I think about single parents. I have a few girl friends who are doing it on their own and I often wonder how they do it when I have a partner to rely. One of my girlfriends is a single parent and is working full time and I admire her courage (she got out of a very bad relationship) to leave her partner. Friends do offer to help her from time to time but I know, us human, we have pride and she often say no.
We can’t stop people from judging. It’s what we do best. To judge and compare. I try not to do it so often and when I do, I try to asses the situation (like why is that mum letting her child cry in the middle of the shopping mall) and etc.
You are doing so well and gained one loyal reader. 🙂
Louise - I was a single Mum for many years, my husband just walked away 20 years ago and we have never heard from him since. The repercussions have been enormous, especially on my children..what was my salvation?? Other single mums, we did it together. We did playgroup, after school and all sorts of things. We booked up the holidays together. We kept busy. We stood by each other we understood each other and our children had to play together whether they liked it or not!! Mostly they liked it..that was my family then. I still cherish those who shared those days with me. That sort of friendship never dies. Find a new family Sash, it will be different but incredibly valuable. Just look at your Mum and me. We have a solid friendship. couldn’t ever be without it. Society’s judgement is not your responsibility. People can only judge what they don’t understand. It is normal. Would it be beneficial if there was more support..a different way for people to think, sure it would but for now it is as it is. Perhaps you will find the way to make an impact on these things in the future. You have passion. For now ignore all the nay sayers, they are as entitled to their opion as you are. We don’t have to agree…
Love to you at this time XX
Cassie Nguyen - My mum, my brother and I lived for many years with one of my mum’s friends – another single mum and her daughter. This was my childhood family. The five of us. Unconventional, yes. Judged lots, yes. But through that she had the support she needed in those really early, hard times (emotionally, practically, and financially). And for all of her struggle that I didn’t see, I have an abundance of happy childhood memories from the ‘family’ I did have.
Cassie Nguyen - So, so, so much here. So many truths, so many hurts, joys, frustrations and wishes. In your post and in these honest and moving comments too.
I am also here today because of an amazing single mama, who I definitely took for granted, who I didn’t really, truthfully ‘get’ or know or understand until I was much, much older. Much of that, I’m sure, comes from the ignorance, self-obsession, and naivity of a child/teenager, and that my understanding now has increased tenfold after becoming a mama myself.
Society is a BITCH. And the judgements never ending. And for what? A half-assed prop to one’s own self-esteem??
I, like so many others who have connected with you through cyber space, would come over tomorrow to offer that hand. Most of us can’t help you, but we can help in our community. In our own social circles, in our own ‘real’ lives. I’m sure if us mamas thought for a moment we’d know someone in our lives who would benefit from a morning, an afternoon, an hour of us there. Be they single mums, or partnered mums struggling with the day to day.
So, we, all of us touched by your circumstance and your words should reach out beyond these comments into our worlds. And help someone we know. Because that’s how we WILL chop away at the change in this society that your post calls for.
That said, one day I will make you a cup of tea. It WILL happen!! 😉
Cassie Nguyen - “chip away” that is… Thank you iPhone!!
Bella Mills - She’s worth it, your Bo. xx
Sash - Of course she is!
Abeer - Your post inspired me to write a little bout it myself, its nowhere as good as urs (what can you xpect wen you are swinging a baby n typing simutaneously) but have a look if you like!
Abeersadiq.wordpress.com
Dora Bardales - DEFENSE OF JOY
Defender joy as a trench
defend the scandal and routine
of misery and miserable
temporary absences
and final
Joy defend a principle
defend the awe and nightmares
of neutrals and neutrons
infamies of sweets
and serious diagnoses
defend the joy as a flag
defend beam and melancholy
of naive and scoundrels
rhetoric and cardiac arrests
of endemic diseases and academies
defend the joy as a destination
defend the fire and firefighters
of suicidal and homicidal
of the vacation and the burden
the obligation to be cheerful
defend the joy as a certainty
defend it from rust and scab
the famous patina of time
the dew and opportunism
the pimps of laughter
defend the joy as a right
God defend and winter
capitalization and death
of surnames and pity
of chance
and also of joy
Mario Benedetti 1978 / 1979
Yumi - My mother is a single parent, and I admire her for it. We had family support but still, in most ways, she was alone, it was hard for the three of us.
Loosing her husband with 2 small children, and having to drastically change everything and depend on the support of others to reestablish a new life was a difficult thing to do, even for me, and I was 4 years old and didn’t understand much of what was happening and why I couldn’t see my father. Her decisions, and choices about raising us was contested, criticized and even interfered by other people, by the ones who were around for help and support her, but she raised us the best way she could, with love and patience, I’m really thankful for that. As I’m sure Bo will be for you. Xx
Triana - “Because as hard as it is to not be able to share the challenges… it’s just as hard not having someone right there to share the joy.”
Reading that line really touched me. I’m not a “single” mom, but I feel like one at times. The loneliness that comes with the territory. I stay at home with my little babe and she is my other half 90% of my day. As much as my husband loves her and is present. Sometimes it still feels like I am doing this on my own. And I can relate. And I agree with your vision of how this world is working, and how it should work.
This “gig” we have, motherhood, is tough stuff.
Hang in there because you seem to be doing it beautifully.
Clea - What a beautiful, beautiful post. I just found your blog today- I’m so glad xx
daddownunder - There is no way i could attempt to appreciate the difficulties you face as a single mother. I am a full time stay at home dad and I would never have it any other way but I do find it incredibly demanding and could not imagine having to raise a child and myself without assistance. I am friends with a single Mum and I admire her so much for what she does and how she goes about it. I don’t watch the news or read the papers because I don’t like to be influenced, my unbiased opinion of single parents is that you are all heroes of epic proportions and I hold you in the highest esteem. Hats off to you
Lisa - Of course your words are totally true as I can tell from experience. But I have to offer another point of view (of course…yadda yadda): I have an okay amount of help opportunities, but more often than not I don’t use them because I’m too proud to admit I can’t do it all alone. I’d rather go until my very last limits. I’m a very stubborn person and used to be the perpetual one-woman-show, so it was very hard for me to accept that raising a child without ANY help is not humanly possible. I still hate the thought of having to depend on somebody or something (like financial aid).
And another thing: I hardly know my kid’s father, he didn’t want to have the baby but wants to take part now, and while this would be considered good news nowadays, I feel deeply destabilized by that because I don’t see him as help bur rather as threat who ruins my efforts with his thoughtlessness and naivety about children. To be honest, I wish he were out of our lives, even if that’s a very politically not correct thing to say. So much from fellow single mom…
Clare - When you think about the baby/ child’s development needs it’s best to encourage time with mum and dad (when safe and possible.)
Pink Ronnie - I love what daddownunder said: “You are all heroes of epic proportions and I hold you in the highest esteem.” I totally agree.
Thank you so much for your honesty in writing this. I truly appreciated reading it. Thank you for helping to break the silence…
Ronnie xo
Sash - Thanks Ronnie (and everyone else I haven’t had a chance to reply to) – Your empathy, support and words of kindess are so greatly appreciated. At the end of the day, even when we feel utterly alone, we are all in this together, so it’s wonderful to have poeple like YOU on my team. 🙂 xox
Tina - I came across your blog posting after feeling like the worst mom of all, feeling like I’m trapped and no one can understand the wanting of the tiniest ounce of freedom that I craved and your words resonated with me.
I know of that dark period that you speak of; as I too was there once, not being able to cope, but still doing what needed to be. It’s not a place any person should ever be. I was fortunate that I was able to develop much needed coping skills, but there are just some days that are tougher than others.
I made a promise to myself last night that everyday from this point out that I would wake up feeling thankful for something and today I am thankful for the words that you so eloquently expressed…..thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one on this planet who feels that way.
Be well-
Sash - You are most certainly not alone. Just look at the comments here. There are women all over the world who are just like you and I. Who are struggling. Who are finding solace in each other. Thank you for sharing your story xxoo
singlemoddainsydney - Hey Sash….I just read your post and it has touched a very deep and private part of me I have denied feeling for most of my life….my loneliness. I was terrified of feeling it. I have been a single parent in Sydney, working full time and consciously decided to completely disconnect from my feelings in order to cope. My Dad died last year and it was only then that I could allow myself to feel how vulnerable I felt and how terrified I was to let anyone see it as I judged it so harshly myself. I had learnt in my childhood to be the master of coping…that had been my face to the world. So I am humbled by your courage to break the silence.
People have many times said to me “I don’t know how you do it”…(I judged them as self-satisfied and patronising) and I must say there was a part of me that wanted to scream…well what other choice do I have…give my kid away?? But all the anger and judgment I felt towards all these self-satisfied people really was just a distraction from my own pain and my own incapacity to deal with what I was feeling which was overwhelmed most of the time and full of criticism about not being “ good enough”…at work, as a friend, daughter and most importantly as a mother.
What I am learning now is to stop projecting my own pain onto others and really embrace my own sadness and loss…about my vision for a happy family life with the father of my child. Ironically that means I am coping a hell of a lot better now than I ever had. The thing I most feared feeling has actually been the wise, healer in me. Facing and feeling my loneliness and vulnerability hasn’t been so terrifying, in fact it has been liberating as I have got connected to my needs and what I really want…which is more love and connectedness, to me, to my purpose, others and my beautiful boy. I am finding that I am more willing to go for what I want, and crafting a new vision for that. I also feel I am giving my son an alternative role model to what he had before. A woman who can forgive, feel, ask for help and love more fully and courageously, which I think is going to be the best gift I can give him.
Thank you so much for sharing…I have found your realness inspiring.
Much love
Sash - Oh, thank you. Thank you for your story and your beautiful words. Thank YOU for your courage and your commitment to yourself and your child. xx Forgiveness is often the hardest. It is one that I struggle with very much. I think often we are encouraged to bottle up how we truly feel, to just “get on with it” – but it’s so much bigger than that. The emotion deserves to be felt. Finding the courage to love and to trust again… I’m not sure how I even start on that one.
bron@babyspace - You posed a lot of questions at the end…I’m going to address just one. I was a single parent for a long time. I believe the reason some people can not be supportive is because they’re afraid.
From fantasy to reality (SPONSORED) | Inked in Colour - […] parenthood. I’ve written about it before, with an alarming response. In fact you can find my last post all over the internet now, it is on single parenthood forums and websites and women’s […]
debchapman - thanks, amen to this…thanks for voicing it. im 8 years at it now and it doesnt get any easier. I do have great relationships with my now teenage kids. and i dont know if that would have been the way if i wasnt a single mum…silver lining in the cloud. thanks for your honesty. much appreciated
Sash - Thank you so much Deb. Honesty is the only way forward, in my opinion. The more people who talk about reality, the more real it will become to everyone else! 🙂 xx
Jackie - Somebody once said to me when I was very tired ‘You chose to have your children ..go to them and be with them.’ This made my energy snap to attention and I realised that it is a hard journey but remembering that I chose the path shifted my attitude and it helped me. sometimes it doesn’t…..
Sash - That’s a great way to look at it. And it’s often what I tell myself too. Self talk and “reality checks” are important some days…
Kate - Hi, thank you so much for wtiting this article. It is all so true. I am a single mum with 3 children 11, 9 & 2 – I have been a single mum to the older 2 for 4 years and then thought I had met the love of my life who basically abandoned me when I fell pregnant with my youngest. Its so hard and definately not the way I wanted my children to grow up. I feel even more judged because my children have 2 different fathers. Yet Hello! I am the one raising the children caring for their needs 24/7 while their fathers live their lives deciding when they choose to see their children which isnt often. But I never hear a bad word in the media about the men that just walk away from their kids. It is just too easy for them to walk away and society just accepts it. It us a very lonely and stressful existance – I long sometimes just to be able to ask a partner – ‘can u do dinner while I help with homework? ‘ i am so scarred now that I dont even want to attempt another relationship. Just keep going till the kids are adults then I can start living instead of just surviving.
Simone - This is me. Single mum, 3 children (12, 9, 4) two father’s. Judgement is huge. And most definitely not because of self esteem as mentioned by someone above. The judgement exists. And like you I’ve decided I will not try again for a relationship as I won’t put my children through another potential break up and I wouldn’t cope with being that hurt again. My life is my kids. That’s my choice that’s the way it is. We make our own happiness and stuff what anyone else thinks. If they want an opinion they can pay the bills!
ginia - Maybe this is why you write. We hear you, we are your other adult. Community and support comes in different ways. I’ve learned this from living abroad for over 5 years now, and have been amazed how much support I have and where it’s come from. I’m so proud of my story. I’m so proud to be my mother’s daughter, a woman that raised me on her own. She’s amazing, talented, and someone I speak to almost everyday. I just had my son last November. He is nine months old and I often think about she did this by herself with my brother and I.
She met my father in college. They both were studying political science when I came along. After they graduated, we moved to Bolivia, where my father’s from. He also had an affair and was not supportive of the family he had. I would come to learn this when I would visit my grandparents 20 years later. My mother never spoke bad of my father. It was only after I learned of who he was on my own would she speak about some things that happened. She would never give to much information, and truthfully, I think she just moved on. She found strength, and then some years later, she found love again; which I would witness as a teenager. My mother traveled a lot, which is probably why I’m a traveler now. I’m currently living in Germany after living in Mexico for several years. My mother’s family was from Greece and my grandparents would take me traveling through Greece for most summers. My momma did what she needed to do, and for the most part she did give up a big piece of herself. She also had to figure out how to sustain a living. She would end up getting 5 degrees. I think this is where she got a little of life back for herself. Instead of choosing one path. She did all the things she loved wether in study or in practice. I think it was pretty amazing for me to see this, the hard work, accomplishment, and purpose.
I understand the judgement thing. For awhile, I didn’t want to admit that I was as they put it, “from a broken home.” I didn’t feel broken, but that was shadow of judgement that loomed over me when people asked about my background. I learned and believe that the judgement is a way of justifying one’s life. I believe that people need to think that there situation is great without reflection nor true soul searching they allow the” proof” in looking down at others and saying at least I’m not in that situation.
Now, I know I’m badass, and my biological father wasn’t there for me, however so many others are. Many people can be your family, traveling has taught me that it doesn’t have to be so linear. I like that my life is hard work. I push my own limits and am humble with an open heart towards all people around me. Life is a crazy ride for all and I was lucky enough to have an awesome woman teach me about it.
Sally Topley - XXXXX
Dee Richie - Just came across your post, I find this inner bit of comfort reading this as I am new to being a completely solo single mother with no network of support and feel so alone and scared. I’ve been scanning the net for some sort of answers and I know we all have a personal journey whatever it may be, it gives me hope to know that there are so many women feeling similar. I hope to get some strength just don’t know how!
Sash - oh Dee. I wish I had more comfort to give you. It’s hard. It’s always hard… the caring for a child alone never gets easier… but the pain of a broken relationship does. I’m almost a year in now, and whilst I’m exhausted!!! I feel really good most days. You find the strength. it’s in you. xo
Teenie - I am a single mother to a 7 yr old boy. His father decided to leave us when he was 1 as he has found his new love. I came across your blog through FB. I teared cos it was exactly how I felt inside. The lost time, the judgements n the loneliness. Its really sad when your own dad judged you. Yes that happened to me. I was labelled lazy when I couldnt work full time as I couldnt afford a childcare or a baby sitter. All they do is judge but no help. There were a lot of factors that I had to go through and your blog said it all. Thank you for this. I felt lighter in all of your honesty. Keep on writing. xoxo
-Teenie-
Louise - I have just read your story.
My daughter Annabelle is turning 1 at the end of the month. Her father & I planned to have a child and at 7 months pregnant I found out he was cheating on me. He then denied paternity & my life fell apart. I have since found the courage to take him to,court & sue him for my pregnancy costs & maintenance. In Australia under the family court Act section 67b. I will be only the 5 th time in our country’s history that a ruling will be delivered using this Section. I explore any woman in similar situations to hold men like my ex accountable. It is far too easy to walk away & pretend the elephant in the room is covered by a sheet & will somehow magically disappear.
Natasha - Beautifully expressed, my sentiments, feelings and thoughts exactly…
Jane - Couldn’t help the gushing of tears down my cheeks! At the end of reading this, I felt rather relieved, comforted and strengthened…knowing that I am not in this alone. And that has given me hope, that I will overcome! We shall overcome…if we only preserve. Writing this article should also make you feel stronger…having let it all out, there should now be, more space , for love and peace, to get you through this in a mighty way. Thank you soo much. This was definitely an answered prayer!
Sash - Oh Jane. thank you. xx you are not alone x
Theresa - Thank you so much for writing everything that I would have wanted to but didn’t
Know where to start.. It’s so comforting to know that while physically we may be alone in the aspect of parenting …we are together in this struggle and we all share the pain and joy together, even though we don’t know each other and can be miles apart. Your post really comforted me during a low point.. Thank you.
Clarisa Pereira - This post was an inspiration for me as I was just writing about single mothers. Thank you for your words and let me tell you that although I’m not a single mother, I can really admire and respect the way you face it.
Kylah - I feel your pain.I’m also going through the same problem right I’m 1 weeks pregnant and already i know I’m going to be a single parent. My situation is a bit different, I got pregnant and only realized a month later when my period did not come, I told my boyfriend about it and immediately he suggested termination, he made himself very clear that he does not want any child and if I continue with the pregnancy I’ll be forcing him to accept. He will nothing more than an accepting father to my child hearing those words broke my heart but i thought in time he will come around. Things didn’t get any better in time he continued telling me to terminate and that he regrets ever meeting me in his life and that i will be responsible for telling my child why the father is not around because i refuse to terminate the pregnancy. I never planned to be a single parent but what i will not do is terminate the pregnancy, maybe it is my fault but I’m willing to face any challenges that come with my decision.
Kylah - I meant to say 11 weeks pregnant
Anna - I was so happy to read this today. You described my life and exactly how I feel! And I feel like I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Kristi - thank u soooo much for having the guts to say this! I am an only parent to three kids, two of them w autism. It’s so hard and demanding yet nobody understands the reality of it. I feel trapped also. I have no freedom other than when I go to work or occasionally pay a babysitter. I feel very alone and people say “but u have three kids how can u feel alone?” They just don’t understand it’s not the same as having a partner. This isn’t the life I imagined when I got married. This wasn’t the game plan. And frankly it pisses me off that I got stuck holding the bag and picking up all the pieces alone. But then I feel guilty for feeling this way. Thank u for making me feel not so alone in my thoughts. I wish u the best!
Single {and parenting} » Inked in Colour - […] in so many ways. When I was first really exploring the terrain of being a single parent I wrote this post full of questions about the way that we structure our societies and realities so that we outcast […]
Susan - Obviously this is very late response but I just had to comment.
I stumbled across your post some months ago and I often come back and re-read it. I don’t know you, but you are the only person who has been able to empathize and articulate what it is to be a single parent. My husband (partner for 11 years) had an affair and walked out (I was 28, my son was 9 months) and that has been nowhere as painful as the past 2 years single parenting. The isolation is overwhelming, even sickening at times. I often find myself surrounded by people yet feel completely and utterly alone. It’s so hard to put those feelings into words, thank you for articulating them so beautifully and raw. Thank you for making me feel as though I’m not the only mother who spends each day feeling inadequate, worthless and lost yet still fights to do better, EVERY SINGLE DAY. Thank you
Laura - Thank you for this, for helping me release the tears I’ve been struggling to suppress for quite some time now, for making me feel that it’s ok for those tears to roll down my cheeks as I read this post. Thank you for describing perfectly what at times feels indescribable, for expressing all of the fear and frustration that single mothers face and for assuring us that we don’t love our children any less if there are days we are unable to truly honour our superhero status. Your blog (and in particular this post) appeared magically before my eyes on a day (like many others) in which I am not feeling so invincible. Thank you.
Caroline - I understand you all are doing the best you can and I acknowledge how brave you have been. I am a child of a single mother and I have struggled all my life (I’m 40) with the psychological consequences of the dynamics that can sometimes occur between a single mother and their children. In most cases, these dynamics occur without any intention from the mother or without the mother ever realising what is wrong. The good news is that most of these issues can be easily prevented by simply raising the mother’s awareness. As such, I’d suggest you read about parentification, spousification and enmeshment. It is not a shame to seek counselling if you think any of those issues could be affecting your child, instead, it would be yet another proof of how brave you are. You are true heroes, no matter what.
Sash - Hi Caroline. I think that parentification, spousification and enmeshment happen in a lot of families not just single parent homes. I have experienced those dynamics in my own relationship with my mother. I’m sorry that you have experienced this with your mother, as I have with mine. Mental health issues are serious and there is never any shame in asking for help, for anyone. x
All I Want for Christmas | ellamentalmama - […] Breaking the silence: on being a single parent […]
Gabby - My son had the biggest tantrum today, he fell asleep after in the car 30 minutes of me trying to get him ready. We got home and I sat in the parking lot today of our apartment and all I could do was cry. So often I feel like I can’t do it, like I’m doing things wrong, or not giving him enough, or just how lonely and isolated I feel. I love my son more then anything, but the lonely and isolation feeling I have as a single mother has lately become very hard to bare with. Reading your article made me feel not as alone. Thank you
Sash - Gabby, you are not alone. xoxox
Jorgelina - I cried as I felt very bit. Of what it was said specially the start of the article ,that you felt as a single parent even when partner as he choose always other things instead to be a family . I sometimes feel like putting my children in then car packing their bags and living them in his house so exhausted just so tired .
Davis powell - I’ve been a single parent for about 11 or twelve years. I raised my girl myself since the moment she was born, retained full custody till she was six (from age 2) she is now almost 14. If I could id do it all again. I love being a dad. I was a good husband but my wife was a cheating unsupportive pathological narcissist. I live near Melbourne and I have a horse two dogs and a cat. Sometimes it feels as if I’ll never be in a good relationship. I still hope….but I’m starting to just want to live my life and have as much fun as I can. It’s been really fun and really hard doing it all alone and withstanding the relentless attacks of my ex wife.
Wayne - I met a single mother once, ended up staying with her for 13 years, and we had three more children together. We shared much; our last child was a home birth and I was the midwife. We did everything together.
She was always a very difficult partner. I wasn’t perfect either, but she had what you wanted from a partner…sharing all those sweet moments. I listened. I supported. I was completely devoted and faithful, I was tested several times and never broke.
All that changed last year when she decided to have an affair with her sisters partner while I was away working.
I was the one that lost it all…ejected from the family, away now from my kids. I gave her first children the benefit of full time fatherhood, she stole that from my three. Without going into detail, I was degraded and insulted. Yes, I have returned to doing the things that ‘society lets me do as a man’ and I don’t feel one little bit ashamed for it.
You know what? I’d love the chance to be ‘locked down’ by those kids. I had life plans too…I would have loved us to carry those out. My kids wouldn’t entrap me. They set me free. You get one shot at that. Children are what it’s about to be human, and they are the basis behind any purpose of life.
Here’s my view on being a sole parent…yes, please. Anytime she wants to give them up, and give me a go at it, bring it on. I know the difficulties. I dated one. And I know others, others who are not trapped.
I tip my hat to you all. Please don’t break: you’re nailing it. And there are still a few men out there, who have a tested track record, willing to take that role of fatherhood for a child not theirs on again if that opportunity is given.
Rachael - There are some paragraphs in your honest and truthful article that I can relate to in every possible way. We are scared to say all of this to the world, to often admit it to ourselves. It is a bitter sweet challenge, with enormous intensity – like all parents, whether they have a partner or lots of support or not – the world of small children is a tough one and an amazing one.. But the depths of difficulties doing this completely on your own in every scenario for every second of life is inexplicable.. until now.. thanks for helping me to relate to another person and articulating the challenges and loneliness.. this came along at the right time.. best wishes to you and your family..
Sally - Thank you, beautifully put, my children are now adults, but I can relate to all you have said, I did well raising two children on my own, I managed to set myself up with a nanny, who was with me for 3 years, I was lucky I had s job to go back to and I took in overseas students to help with finance, plus I had a wonderful group of supportive friends who were also single mums- they understood.
I remember ringing Aunties and Uncles once to see if I could get someone to give me a free weekend once a month, I was told, only if your children are likely to be abused, needless to say that didn’t happen. My sister who had a husband and someone who came in twice a week to clean and iron, coming and criticising me for having an untidy house!!! And saying our lives were the same!!!
I understand your story, I have been there, the loneliness, the tears, the guilt, the anger but I have come out the other side and can look back in pride at what I achieved, two capable happy, successful children and ALL my own work, no body else’s. A lot of emotional support from my family interstate and my amazing support group around me. Don’t ever give up, take pride in yourself, you will do an amazing job…
Jen - A good friend of mine once said she believed that after your first child, a single mother should not be entitled to a pension…..to which I replied……just as well you only had one, because (at the time) 87% of people on supporting parent’s pension were from broken marriages (as she was)…… But there for the grace of God could we all go. ( no hard feelings to my friend if she reads this and remembers). I brought up three children as a single parent. I won’t say I brought them up on my own, because if I hadn’t had family and friends helping me I may have not made it. And I am proud of all my children. They are all good citizens that contribute to society in a positive and beneficial way.
Breaking the silence: Single Parenthood Three Years On » Inked in Colour - […] ITI wrote my first post about single parenthood three years ago. For whatever reason it is still the most read post on this blog after all of these years. It still […]
J - Hi there,
This is the first time I’ve ever posted to anything on the Internet. However, I have been searching and searching for answers and help. I’m a single mum of three kids. The father of my kids cheated on me and never helped much raising our kids anyway. I met another partner and recently we broke up. He didn’t have kids and he would help me occasionally but he started to have jealously issues amoung other problems with my situation. I am now left a shadow of myself and can’t see much hope as to how I will emotionally and financially raise my children. I have a friends but they have kids and busy lives too. I feel trapped and unmotivated. I worry about my children being raised by a terribly sad mother. Does anyone have any advice?
Joanna Percival - What you have shared is heartfelt and I feel your grief at the loss of a whole way of life and you wanted and deserved. I see from my niece how much has to be carried alone when you are a single parent and how many critical voices there are (at times I have been one of them). I would just like to say that as someone who has not got a child or a husband and would have really liked to have had both, at least you do have your daughter, this is such a gift. All of us women are out there feeling quite alone, even sometimes in a marriage. The realisation that we all have to row our own canoes – in contrast to the fairy tale about the prince – is a really hard painful growing up, it does feel as though something is missing. You already sound very much like a woman with a strong identity and what a lovely role model for your child. The men and sometimes women who abdicate their parenting responsibilities are the ones to be pitied and government needs to ensure they contribute to the support of their child.
Sharon Lee-Garcia - Thank you so much for this. I was in a relationship for 7 years before I got pregnant and the minute I said I was, he turned his back and walked. Long story short, I met someone else and got married and had 2 children and had to get rid of him because he turned out to be a drug addict. Still is. So now I am a single parent with 3 children, and like you, even while he was around, I was still the single parent, only with a drug addict to ensure I hand money to every day I walk into the house or is noise. I have had support from family members some of which seemed to feel that because they were handing me a dollar, they were supposed to dictate my pace, to the point of throwing my past in my face in front of my children in the form of a joke. She helped me financially with an ulterior motive and that is not just nasty but deceitful, she went so far as to encourage my oldest to leave home at 16yrs old. Now she is lying and using me to set on to make herself look like a saviour and to look good, and so damn pretensive that other family members really things that she is genuine. I had to help her financially with the last year, but I won’t go into the things I did for her. I will however, now, sit back on my comfy chair and watch Karma go to work. I am very much still struggling financially with the last two and school I have my God and my faith on my side. Keep strong, blessed.
Tarni single mummy to paiton - Totally agree my daughters father chose his drug habit over us but has never really been in it from the time she was born and she was a 27 weeker premmie. its always been me and her against the world now he rarely chooses to have anything to do with her but she never misses out on anything.shes a beautiful stubborn thriving three year old(threenager) now and sometimes i would just have to have a few minutes to catch my breath especially when shes giving me difficult behaviour.but i never get it regarldess of how i feel pr what i want i make sure shes happy and put her above anyone or anything.its hard yakka shes made me question my ability to parent several times i love her more than anyone on this earth but my god she kills me some days.i dont regret having her shes my pride n joy my only regret is who i made her father(sperm doner)
Sally - I am a single mum, and I often feel lonely and desperate. The truth is though, I have felt this way all of my life. Being a single mother just makes it even harder. How many lonely single mothers out there could do with some help becoming socially comfortable. It may well be that social anxiety is a root cause of many marriage break-ups.
Also, so many married women are judgemental of single mums, seeing them as a threat. I do not think this protects them against predatory females, quite the opposite. If all women could be more supportive of each other the world would be a better place for us all.
Govan - I am a single mother of four. My biggest struggle is financial and no longer being able to just be with my kids as a stay at home mum . My life has been ruined and the future I planned for my children ruined too. I have no money, no friends , no support. My children are sad. I was married 18 years.
Pia - There’s such an intense feeling of loneliness that I feel as a single mum. At the end of the day I wish I had someone to sit with me n just be there. The presence of someone, a partner, is so underrated. I’m tired of people telling me to learn to love my own company. I do. But the way u expressed needing to have someone to share the ups n downs of the day to day parenting hits the nail on the head. Many a night I cry myself to sleep coz it’s hard doing this alone. Thank you for ur beautiful piece xxx
Dave Jackson - All the single mums I know have my greatest respect. As do the two single dads I know. I think the single dads get respect for facing up to their responsibilities however instead of their single parenthood being seen as a sign of failing in them.
The reality is with each most of the single mums I know, it is the father not taking responsibility that is the father not taking responsibility that has let to the mums having such a tough deal.
Martina - Finally, a great blog. You question things that i question in my mind too. Im also a stay-at-home(my parent’s home) single mom, not yet working and thinking of how to be a good mom just on my own, while my parents often cross boundaries and i try to do it my way but im often very tired. I wish i was married but married with somebody who shares my values…and i wish i didnt have to do a well paid job which doesnt go with my value but to follow my passions and raise a good kid…it’s hard to be a single mom.
Serap Bulus - That was so powerful. I related to every part of that. Thank you for sharing x
Anise Barnick - I fell into tears reading this. As I si here scanning the ewaves for entertainment… My baby girl lays asleep beside me in bed and my son fell out cold on the couch after a long day of sch[l and then boys and girls club so that mommy here could work. I was forced to make a decision a few months back, the only choice in any chance of saving our family, saving him, their dad was leaving… Now we are alone and I’m working hard and doing anything I can to make it work and still chasing my ass. Judgements and ridicule follow me as he sits sheltered by a family working on his recovery. Provided for and can even enjoy a relaxing day off. Even hangs up on me when I just try to talk… Thank you for your words and acknowledgement. I’m exhausted, I know you are too. I Don’t have advice besides 1 day at a time.. Do me sometimes its 1 minute at a time. But just know that if I could offer a hug it would be there.
Anise
Was in Chatt, TN
Now finding serenity by the sea
PCB, FL